Thursday, March 31, 2011

Just sometimes, only sometimes


I've been wanting to write this post, and equally, not wanting to write this post. But me being me, and me having a blog, and me feeling like this is where I am most comfortable talking about these sorts things, means, well, I'm just going to do it. 

So here goes.....


I cried. So many times, when I was back home. Sure, the tears came out after my fair share of the devil's water (cue bubbly/vino) but I don't cry. And sometimes I think that's when we all say what is really stuck there beneath the layers of social bravado that we're all so good at projecting. Me especially. I've always been a coper. Never overtly needed much help, or support, or a shoulder to cry on. I was just always....fine. 

So it was a big thing for me to blubber like a mad woman on one too many occasions to my poor friends about how miserable I was. Miserable I am not. But I miss my friends and my family. I do. I miss them. And that makes me sad. And being there, at home, with them all for two whole weeks showed me just how much. I miss the comfort. The lack of a need to try. The history. The security. The laughs. Sweet jesus we laugh. I miss the banter. And the singing. I miss singing the Baywatch theme song. And dancing to Beyonce in the living room. The D&Ms. I miss the tap on the bum or the lazy hug in the kitchen. I miss knowing that they know everything about me. That we shared so many good times and hard times together. That we've lived in other countries together, travelled together, been hung over together, eaten Dirty Bird together. That we've grown into who we are today together.  I miss sitting down to a good meal with them, one that we've prepared, together. I miss knowing everything about them. The details of their lives. I miss evolving with them. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my new friends. And I do not for one minute regret moving here, because they are brilliant people. But this city is hard. It's fast, it's busy, it smells, it's intense, it's hilly (so annoying), it's hard core. It's not relaxing. It's not good for the soul. The experience, maybe. But the city, not so much. And I think I've found adjusting to it, the move, the unemployment, the loneliness, the city, harder than I've actually let on, to myself or to anyone else. There goes that good old social bravado again. It's just that I really really really don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that person that isn't embracing this opportunity. I don't want to be that cup-half-empty person. I don't want to be that person that isn't happy. I don't want to be that person that wants to be somewhere else. 

But alas, for the time being, unfortunately for my self-conscious ego, I think I might actually sometimes (god I hate saying this) be that person. Just sometimes. Only sometimes. And I think I need to let myself be. I need to let myself be sad or lonely or whatever it is that I feel. Because that's the reality of what I'm facing. And things aren't always easy. And aren't always as footloose and fancy-free as they seem. And change is hard. Bloody hard. And I'm allowed to not be OK, just sometimes.....aren't I? 

18 comments:

Felicity said...

Clever you.

Clever for stopping all of this from swirling around in your head and getting it out.

Clever for understanding what it is that brings you true joy and appreciating & nurturing these things when you can.

Clever for knowing that this period of your life is just that, and despite the 'negatives' there are 'positives' to balance them out.

Clever for knowing the person that you want to be but being gentle with yourself when you can't always be that person.

Clever you.

xx Felicity

A Farmer's Wife said...

I think it is Ok to let yourself be unhappy sometimes. Being completely happy every minute of every day is an unachievable goal...

SAHMlovingit said...

Yes of course you're allowed to not be OK sometimes - being like that only make us stronger. Tears aren't a sign of weakness, they are a sign of strength x

Leah - The Inside Story said...

Being not OK, is definitely OK!! The reality is life is not picture perfect and rosy all of the time and sometimes it is just too damn hard. And it is OK to say this. I hope you're feeling better by getting it off your chest. Try and look at the big picture and realise it will not be forever...OMG listen to me. You would think I was an expert. Sorry, just my little opinion. I hope you have a wonderful, wonderful week. Leahxx

Sydney Shop Girl said...

Hang in there, Tai Tai!

Look out for that silver lining.

SSG xxx

Sydney Shop Girl blog

Lizeylou said...

I hope that you feel better now that you have blogged it out aloud. Sharing it and getting it off your chest must feel much better than keeping it in. Change is hard and you are totally allowed to not be ok sometimes. And I agree - hills are very annoying!!

Sarah said...

As you say, change is hard, and when you relocate it's a mixture of embracing the adventure of the new, and saying goodbye (for a time) to those you leave behind. An au pair once told me that it was a known fact, that there is a predictable pattern to homesickness. At first, the excitement and novelty of the new place is strong enough to be the dominant emotion, and when that sparkle wears off the homesickness hits, and hits hard.

I'm not sure how long you've been in HK, but my husband and I relocated 8 years ago. I still miss my family and friends (especially now that we have children), but we have become very attached to our new home and I think we're here for good!

Alice Becomes said...

yes, we are all that person sometimes...and we are all not ok sometimes

you miss your family, you miss your friends, you miss your home - it just makes you a lucky person to have all these things to miss! and a WONDERFUL post, I am glad you wrote it...

and you know what? living in a new place is tough, but living in a new place that has a completely new culture is even tougher, but you are doing it, you are living it, and you will take so much out of this experience...

Gill xo

Happy Homemaker UK said...

Ah yes, isn't that true for all expats - missing friends back home yet feeling you should 'grow where you are planted'? It wouldn't be natural if we didn't feel that way.

Thank you for joining Post Of The Month Club! I hope you'll join next month too :)

Enjoy the rest of your week, expat girlfriend :)

TexaGermaNadian said...

Oh I am feeling you on this one. You are strong and brave for even admitting that you miss your friend and family like you do. I try to always have that strong, unwavering front up too, but it just doesn't seem to work when you start missing them like crazy. You are so lucky to have friend like that, even if they are thousands of miles away. And if ya'll ever return home, they will be there waiting for you with open arms.
I hope this weekend finds you in better spirits. All the best!
http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

Sara said...

Thank you for being so truthful and sincere. And like other kind readers said, it's ok to not be ok sometimes. And it's ok to admit it.

I've been away now just for a year, sometimes it feels short and sometimes long. The most I miss my sister and my two brothers. I also miss my friends and other family members. I haven't made true connections here yet because people are coming and going. It must be easier when you have new friends in HK.

At the same time I'm happy that you haven't regretted the move. That's from where you know that it's the right place to be.

Georgie said...

I agree with Felicity... there's a balance of negative and positive feelings and as long as the positives outweigh the negatives you're on track... 'home' and all that it holds will be there for you to soak up again next time.

Maxabella said...

You soooo do, Bridget. I'm a very positive person too, but sometimes I long to be able to cry away with abandon. You need to feel what you feel and not try to push away the bad stuff. Living is getting dirty sometimes and getting dirty means you're real. x

Gab* said...

I don't think you should feel as though you have to be happy all the time! Moving to a new place and finding your niche is hard!

Hong Kong is full-on... I think it just takes time...

LindyLouMac in Italy said...

Calling by from Happy Homemaker UK as participating in Post of the Month and really enjoying meeting everyone else and reading their favourite posts. I empathise with you on this one as our daughter is living in HK.

BLWC said...

Well done for being so open. Your post really brought back the memories of our first year in HK. I cried all the time for about 18 months! I cried when I had a bad day in Hong Kong, I cried when I went home, I cried when I had to come back to Hong Kong, and sometimes if I didn't cry for a while it would all build up and I'd find myself bursting into tears at the least appropriate moments... It is a tough city, and when you leave something so fabulous behind it can be even harder. But you'll find your place and make some amazing friends and one day you'll get off a plane at HKIA and be happy to be home. Of course it's ok to cry in the meantime. PS: When the city gets too much, jump on a ferry and check out South Lantau, have some lunch and a vino at the Stoep, watch the buffalo and walk on the beach - it's soul soothing for even the most jaded expat (i.e. me).

ashley said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I know exactly how you feel Down to the last tear (even though, I too, don't cry)- Boo hoo! Especially about being *that* person! xx

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