Friday, September 30, 2011

The perfect parent



I finished reading this book the other day. I'm not sure it's something I would have picked up as keenly if a) I didn't live in China and b) I wasn't up the duff myself and keen to start learning a bit about different ways to do the world's most important job. But I was sure glad I did.

Amy Chua, the author, writes the book about her life as the Chinese mother of two girls. She is married to a white, American Jewish man and the book is the story of her battle to raise her girls the Chinese way. And basically, how the Chinese think Western approaches to parenting are plain shite.

She sees it as her duty, at any cost, to enable her kids to be the best. Plain and simple. She pushes her kids to be excellent, and won't accept anything but. She forces them to learn the piano, the violin and practice 6 hours each day, on top of school, homework and chores. She will not allow sleepovers, or playdates. She will not accept backchat, bad behaviour, public displays of discontent. Disrespect is a felony in her household. She belittles and criticizes until her daughters achieve. She is hard, firm, unrelenting. She doesn't care if her kids hate her. They simply have to be the best.

This is obviously in such contrast to Western parenting, where we are gently encouraged to find our own path, to explore the world and what it offers, to just do our best wherever that may get us, to simply be happy. 

The book raised some serious questions for me about the 'best' way to raise a child. And made me question how the hell we are going to do it!?! I can see the merit in enabling (maybe even pushing) your child to see just how good they can be and therefore giving them the opportunity to feel that amazing feeling of success, but I can also see how destructive it could be to grow up feeling like you have to be good at something to feel good.

There is obviously no one right way to parent. We're all so different, have been raised so differently, and have different values. And I'm sure every parent before me has their opinions based on their experiences about what is the best way to do it. But it's certainly got me thinking about what I want for my child. And how, as a parent, I can do my best to make that happen. The responsibility and the impact I'm going to have scares the hell out of me, and as yet I've still got no answers to my own questions. But I am hoping (with fingers tightly crossed) that the fact I'm concerned about it at all means that I might be on the right track?

What do you think? What's your number one tip on parenting for a first-time mum like me? 

44 comments:

little macaroon. said...

Gosh, I think you're absolutely right, the fact that you are considering what best to do for your wee boy means that you've started on the right path.

I read that book about a year ago and my lasting impression was, Kerrrriste I would hate to find myself sitting in the same room as that woman. It's not that I don't understand her philosophy (living in a predominantly Chinese culture I totally get that and see it all around) I just don't understand her logic. Her fundamentals don't match the way she herself was raised. And I feel she's got some nerve to write that book with such confidence when her girls were still teenagers - she might still have a whole world of pain ahead. Also, I think she makes some amazingly arrogant generalisations about "western" and "chinese" parenting. My Chinese friends certainly don't behave as she does.

The most important thing I ever read about being a parent is this - and I think about it almost every day: life is long, but childhood is fleeting.

Whenever I find myself being a total stick-in-the-mud, or raging about something that doesn't really matter, I just think of that and try to make it as sweet a time for her as possible. When I was desperately trying to get her to join in with ballet lessons and she hid behind my legs wailing week after week, I thought of Amy Chua pushing pushing pushing, and then I thought of my mantra. Outcome? Ballet is for primadonnas, and hell, I'm glad I don't have one of those! Let's try something else.

Mrs Catch said...

This was said to me before my first child and has been the only rule I've followed.

Listen to all advice. And then do what YOU think is right.

Sometimes good advice has a a way of creeping up on you at a later date. But sometimes it remains shite. You decide.

Also? Enjoy all the parenting moments you can. Responsibility is over-rated.

little macaroon. said...

I suppose, for balance, you should read The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson next, and then decide where on the continuum you want to be as a parent! ;0)

Katharine said...

I have heard the Chinese way explained to me as well and have read a lot of articles about this book. I think I will read it now. I think the way my parents parented me is how I am going to try and raise my children. Strict but not unbending and always affectionate. We knew the rules and we only got in trouble if we broke them. From what I have seen/heard of Chinese parenting, people don't so much love their parents as fear them and a lot of times are pretty miserable once they aren't competing anymore.

beachcomber said...

interesting! as a parent of now adult kids and as a teacher ..i've got lots to say. here's a little bit of advice ... go with your instincts, young kids learn so much from ,and need free unstructured play, encourage don't push, children learn naturally in a stimulating, loving environment. i've heard a lot about the book and must read.
x

KC said...

Based on your blog, i got this book from the Library and I am finding it to be an interesting read! My parents are of different ethnic backgrounds, both raised differently, but they shared one thing in common-that i was to be raised with all the love and support i needed, and they have certainly done that. I love the diversity in my family.

jodi said...

Gosh I want to read it and I'm so glad I just read what little macaroon said about childhood being so fleeting. Hmmm much to think about.

On the topic of books - you won "The Yoga of Birth" - email me your address and I'll get it to you asap. Perfect reading for you! x

Pink Princess said...

Its so true that childhood is fleeting! It goes by so fast. I don't have much advice just to enjoy every moment with your baby. Cuddle him as much as you can. They grow so fast so quickly.

therhythmmethod said...

Love the child in front of you: this is my only advice. Kids are raw and wild and we need to gently encourage them into the person they already are. Sounds bizarre, but I think parenting is a lot like gardening. You pull out the weeds, add fertiliser, enjoy the space, but ultimately they will grow up to be the person they always were. You're just the caretaker for a little while.
So glad you're thinking about this parenting business early on. I never did, and it shocked the crap out of me. ;)

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