All these years later, and across continents, we stay connected through the blogosphere and just like the way Beth writes her blog, the way she dead set is in real life, she's given me the most honest, sincere, encouraging and a little 'holy shit balls Batman' words of advice for the first moments of this massive journey I'm about to take on.
Motherhood.
I'm lucky enough to be able to share it all with you.
Have a read....
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Dear Bridget,
How is it that you have a baby coming any day now when it seems like only yesterday I was holding your hair back while you vomited from the cheap alcohol I had bought for you? Time, it really does fly. I wish I had all this wisdom and big sisterly advice to pass on to you in these final weeks. I wish I could say something knowing and caring and full of insight about what is going to happen to you in the next few weeks. About just how much your life will change. But I don't. I cannot possibly explain to you what's about to go down. I will just nod and smile knowingly, just as the mother's around me did before I embarked on the same journey almost 5 years ago now. And in a few weeks time you can email me and say "WHAT THE FUCK" and I'll say "I know. I KNOW!" But we can't go there now, the anticipation is too exciting.
What I will tell you is this. A few pearls perhaps, a few insights, a few hints and tips so to speak. Sista to sista.
1. Get some of the biggest MOFO black grandma undies you can get your hands on. Buy a pack of 10 because you will end up throwing them out. Get some of those surfboard maternity pads - the bigger the better and be sure that these will be your saviour in the days proceeding the birth. Trust me. If I could have walked around with a towel between my legs post birth, I would have.
2. Yes, you really do poo during labour. In front of your husband. And everyone. Yep.
3. You may also vomit over everyone, especially during that bit where it gets serious. Transition, is that what's it called? Then.
4. All the birth plans and CD's and hopes and dreams count for not much. I mean they do, best intentions and all that, but when it comes down to it, there are so many variables that are out of your hands - is the baby OK, did you have to be induced, will you have an epidural, will, why, won't that you have to take it as it comes. It's the first real part of parenthood - letting go and realising that there is now someone else that needs priority over yourself.
5. The second that baby comes out no one will really give a shit about you. All that attention, all those loving questions about how you are feeling go out the door the minute the baby arrives. That doting husband? Gone. Until the milk comes in that is.
6. It is OK to be completely overwhelmed and freaked out when the baby comes out and he is screaming and you will look around and realise that the ONLY person who can make that baby stop...is you. This suffocation and wonderment is called motherhood. Welcome to it!
7. Breastfeeding is really, really, really hard. I never knew that. If you can get the baby to latch on correctly the first time, you are on your way. DEMAND that the midwives show you how to do this. Keep at them over and over and over until you are sure it's right. I stuffed it up the first time, got a graze, then had bleeding nipples, then had mastitis and then had A FUCKING BREAST ABSCESS. You do not want one of those bad boys.
8. A baby really does come out. Who knew? I mean everyones knows, sure, but it will blow your mind that it's a real baby in there. All baby like. And perfect. And you made him! A BABY! It still amazes me. Maybe that's just me.
9. If the baby doesn't make a noise for the first little while - because of a cord wrapped around a neck or something, it's OK. IT's not brilliant, but it's OK. I expected noise with Harper and had silence for 5 or so minutes. She's fine now of course, so if that goes down, it's OK. Promise.
10. If they offer to show you the crowning head with a mirror don't go there. Well go there if you want, but I'm just saying you can't undo the image of a head coming our of your own vagina. I try every day.
11. The day your milk comes in will be the day that you will cry more than ever before. You will cry over the love for your baby. For your family. For your aching breasts. For the sheer size of your boobs. For the taste of your lunch. The distance of home. For the sheer relief that at last your baby will be fed and content. For the fact that you are able to feed a human being. You'll cry. It's normal and OK and even though you are expecting it, it will still surprise you.
12. Your child will be the best thing you have ever done. Ever created. Ever seen. Ever that was. Ever. Ever. EVER. He will be your endless joy, your biggest frustration and your unending confusion and self doubt. He will bring you more joy than the best day you've ever had up till now. He will show you what it means to give. To love. He will make you laugh and cry and everything in between. He will make an unbreakable bond between your husband and you that will last forever. He will be wonderful. You can do this. You don't have a choice. And you guys will be wonderful parents. Promise.
Good luck my friend. I'm here if you need me with any questions. This blogging community thing we have going on is a pretty special place to be. A virtual village of women supporting you, holding you up, offering advice on twitter in the middle of the night, company when feeding. I know I speak on behalf of lots of us that say good luck, and send you so much love.
Maybe that's just me.
Love Beth x
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Now I don't know about you, but for me? Someone who knows sweet FA about what's about to happen, in those first few moments, hours, days after our baby is born? Those words are GOLD.
So, to a woman I've known through drunken nights, school formals, fake IDs, dance moves, laughter, tears, boyfriends, husbands, now kids, pork comas, champagne and endless amounts of incredible food, I THANK YOU. For getting me excited. For being REAL. For making me shit my pants (just a little). For steering me AWAY from the mirror. For not mentioning the fact that I also vomited on your mother's doorstep. And then left. Leaving one shoe beside the doorstep, as a token of I don't know what.
For sharing your journey of motherhood and making it that little less scary for me, and for anyone else reading this about to become a mum. This sort of stuff just isn't talked about enough, and I feel pretty lucky to have women around me willing to put it all out there.
Seriously, from me and my bump, thank you.
Now I don't know about you, but for me? Someone who knows sweet FA about what's about to happen, in those first few moments, hours, days after our baby is born? Those words are GOLD.
So, to a woman I've known through drunken nights, school formals, fake IDs, dance moves, laughter, tears, boyfriends, husbands, now kids, pork comas, champagne and endless amounts of incredible food, I THANK YOU. For getting me excited. For being REAL. For making me shit my pants (just a little). For steering me AWAY from the mirror. For not mentioning the fact that I also vomited on your mother's doorstep. And then left. Leaving one shoe beside the doorstep, as a token of I don't know what.
For sharing your journey of motherhood and making it that little less scary for me, and for anyone else reading this about to become a mum. This sort of stuff just isn't talked about enough, and I feel pretty lucky to have women around me willing to put it all out there.
Seriously, from me and my bump, thank you.
26 comments:
That is awesome.
And I am totally one of those people who will be cheering you on via the interwebs! Just don't ask me how to clean little baby penises because I have no idea about boys...yeah.
Can't wait to hear news. Godspeed little dude!
WOW Bridget!
Every Mama to be deserves a brilliantly written letter like that. She's just wonderful.
I really am so excited for you :)
Mastitis is a cruel, heartless bitch. I had it too. Breastfeeding didn't work out for me, & the sense of failure associated with that made me feel ... I can't even put it into words.
Thankfully, I had a husband who steered me back o the right course. He just said, seriously, it didn't work out. There's always next time. Now here's a jar of formula.
My point?
Don't beat yourself up about ANYTHING, because you're already doing an amazing job, & it hasn't even begun yet.
Good luck, & the virtual village she speaks of is so incredibly strong :)
Love & best wishes xx
What a champion Beth is. And what a lucky new mum you are to have these pearls. I am madly making mental notes and nodding, heck I might even bookmark this post to refer back to when I have a baby in a few years. I would say good luck, but that seems silly, 'luck'. It seems as though you have everything you need :)
Yup! I can concur with most of the above except the bit about breast feeding which I found to be the easiest bit of all. I could just lie there and doze and be "occupied" so the husband had to do everything else during that time. So I breast fed a lot- especially during the fifth newborn's first months. That's the point though. Everyone's experience is different. Anticipate nothing, roll along with it and cry like there s no tomorrow when your milk comes in. Iroonically, I only did that with the boys. With the third one I was laughing about it through my blubbering. It's the gnarliest, funniest, loveliest best ride you'll ever go on, this motherhood gig.
Black grandma jocks, surfboards, and put some Popsicles in the freezer for when you get home. Cause no one told me about the swelling if your lady parts need stitches....my husband started calling them clacksicles, which wasn't funny at the time but I can laugh about it 9 months on....
How wonderful is Beth! Like "unknown" I think I'll be bookmarking this post for when my turn comes (with luck). I love how the blogging community is filled with such pearls of wisdom and things I would never know otherwise - about relationships, family, travel and love. Really enjoy your blog Bridget and best of luck for the big adventure!
Lovely letter from Beth!
So true. Except though I agree with the part about the mirror and the head and the vagina being seared into my memory, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Both mine wouldn't have made it out unaided if I didn't have a mirror. It just made me focus and understand a lot better what my muscles were actually doing (rather than what I thought they were doing).
Good luck. Enjoy. Watch a movie while you can!
Beth is a gorgeous lady inside and out! I met her through our mothers group many years ago when we had our first baby... Thank god for my mothers group!! Here I am 5 years later and 3 babies and with each baby I have learnt more and more about this mothering gig. I am also now living in hong kong and my last baby was born here WOW that was a whole different experience than in Australia! Which hospital are you going to? Enjoy the amazing experience you are about to embark on! :)
Ugh I feel ALL of the above! Mainly breastfeeding: just because it's natural doesn't make it easy. I struggled for three months in pain and it was only because I'm determinedly mean and lazy that I succeeded (all that expense and sterilization hassle with bottles, are you outta your mind!). Then I kept going for 15 months and wept buckets when my babe was eventually weaned!
Wise words from Beth.
No better woman to turn to for real, truthful support and a belly laugh to go.
Exciting times ahead.
The most exciting ride of your life.
One where you finally realise just what you are capable of and how much love that heart can hold.
Enjoy it all - and know that you are supported when the ride takes a turn for the crappy.
:-)
Best words from the best lady,......best thing to do (or maybe its just me) but I had to smell each of my babies breath as soon as they were born....don't know why but I had a hunger for that smell,cherished it in fact......enjoy your entry to the Mothers Club.
Brilliant and utterly utterly accurate!!!
But be careful with the horrid big black undies. Mine are so comfy that I still wear them on days I think nobody will see them. I know I should throw them out (my boy is nearly 2) but ... oh so comfy.
Good luck!!!!!!!
I love love love this post. Been following Beth's blog for a while now (and yours) and love her ability to be real and honest (and funny, oh so funny) when it comes to the reality that is motherhood!
I gave birth to my now 2-year-old son in Hong Kong and - hope this is ok - wanted to add a couple of things to Beth's awesome letter (more based on my own experience of birth in HK).
Your husband needs to be your advocate. I found the whole experience of giving birth so overwhelming that having my husband advocate for me (aka: stick up to the midwives who are pretty set in their ways of how things should be done) was hugely comforting at a time when I was feeling completely lost.
If you plan to breastfeed, you really have to make it a huge point with the nursing staff. Once my son was born (despite telling everyone I wanted to breastfeed) the nurse immediately asked me which brand of formula I wanted them to give my son. If I didn't tell them once I told them 20 times not to give him any formula. I had to be on them the whole time not to give him any formula or sugar water.
They will push you to have your baby in the nursery the whole time. I was borderline hysterical when they refused to bring my baby to me (I was post 50 hour labour and an epidural so couldn't exactly walk!). Again, push the point that you want your baby with you (I had said husband advocate for me). Ignore the huffs and eye rolling of the nurses - it's your baby!
Hoping I didn't scare you too much (perhaps I just had a so so experience of birth in HK?). Sending you the best of luck that every thing goes really well with the birth of your baby boy! :) You can do it!
I wish I had Beth's letter before I gave birth to Miss M (4 months) she is such a sweet friend!
To add: Dont let your guests stay for longer than an hour in that first week. You need to get up and walk the cowboy walk for a good 20 mins an hour to get the blood flowing down there and its much more dignified to do it without an audience!
Good luck, I have bookmarked you so I can follow your new mother journey, its truly, unbelievably, painfully magical!
L x
I love Beth's blog.
My birth experience was fantastic, but also scary, because you're thinking This is It. I had a planned ceasarian and the thing that I was unprepared for was how emotional I'd be- you literally started crying with joy when they put that baby onto your chest. I will never forget looking into his little eyes and feeling his ribs beneath my hands and thinking "He's here. Finally."
Being a mother is seriously the best thing that ever ever happened to me, you will LOVE it.
So jealous of your ordered fridge.
GOOD LUCK!
Very true... From a new mum of a ten day old girl.
What a fantastic letter, I wish I had had one of those before I had my first baby - I definitely needed it!
You are so lucky to have a friend like Beth.
Good luck! can't wait to hear about it afterwards ;)
x Sannah
this is such wonderful advice. i would swear by it too. the big undies are a must. i wish you every happiness. you will be a great mum. xo.
I could not have said it better myself Betty!! All of it is too true! The only thing I'll add is to tell you to buy a packet of zooper dooper iceblocks (or honkers equivalent) and put them in your freezer before you go into labor- you'll find out why afterwards. Good luck chicky- you'll be fine- more than fine. Can't wait to hear all about it and 'share' the stories. Much love xo
Just remember, some of cruised through everything, pregnancy, delivery, new borns who slept, lots of sex with husbands & lots more babies, so there are easy rides too. I really should do a post on my deliveries & breastfeeding, just for some hope too. Love Posie
Hope everything goes really well for you, what a fabulous adventure you have coming!
For me, a couple of extras to help out (other than the granny knickers!)- a v shaped pillow is both comfy for you and can help get baby in a more supported/comfy position for breastfeeding. Get all the help you can - toe curling for a few seconds while he latches is fine but if after 30 seconds you are still in pain it isn't right. I thought because I wasn't screaming it was ok, but it genuinely shouldn't hurt. Pressure/sucking/etc yes, but no pain. Fight for that good latch!
Secondly straws are really useful to have a drink while lying awkwardly during labour or if you have a c section and can't sit up after as you are too numb. a sports bottle would do the trick too (and worth having a second one to fill with warm water to squirt on your bits as you wee if you've had stitches!)
You will forget everything else as soon as you see your baby, and he will make every second worth while. :)
Simply awesome, I laughed and cried and then laughed till I cried. So well said Beth! You'll "get it" all on a whole other level in a few weeks time. For the record, I gave birth to my son at the Matilda and it was brilliant. Not sure if that's what your plans are but either way just trust your instincts, cry and ask for help when you need to, and listen to friends who've been there before - they will be your best allies and sources of advice. Thinking of you x
beautiful words from a wonderful friend and some sage adivce. Enjoy the ride, but watch that first step - it's a doozy
Mr P
this woman is SO wise. believe every word she says and then have confidence to do it your way!
xo em
Wow it's a very small world because I know Beth too. I shouldn't be surprised really, but still, funny!
There's good advice there. My 2 labours were worlds apart, in fact my 2 babies and the whole experience could not have been more different. Good luck. x
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