Fletch isn't much of a crier. Yes, he lets it rip when he's hungry or tired, but I 100% get that. Hell, I've been known to crack it in a similar fashion when I'm hungry or tired. Maybe not quite as loudly or overtly or profoundly, but I definitely crack it. And people (mainly Phil) tend to know about it. So hungry, tired cries I can definitely handle. During the day, that is.
It's the crying at night that I'm not so good at dealing with. All in all, Fletch is pretty good and will often settle back down to sleep after a feed without much crying and after 10 minutes or so of grunting and cooing and kicking about. But there are times, only a few, when he's decided that actually he's not all that keen on going back to sleep and come to think of it damn you for making me try. It's then, in those moments, in the quiet, eery darkness that is night, pacing up and down the hallway, feeling so alone in an attempt to let your other bread-winning half sleep, holding your squirming, screaming, innocent, beautiful little baby that your world starts to fall apart. Which mine well and truly did the other night.
It's only really happened once or twice, which in the scheme of things, 6 weeks on, is pretty damn good. Sure, he cries at night but not really, truly crying. You know the crying I mean. The 'testing' crying.
The other night, I was plain exhausted. Up for what felt like hours for the second time that night, running on next to no sleep, trying to deal with the second vomit, the third change of clothes, the darkness, the endless darkness, when it all just felt like too much. Fletch and I shared our tears that night. Of course, we both eventually got to sleep and the memory of the night melted into oblivion the minute I saw his precious little face when we woke. But that moment, when you feel so helpless and guilty for not being able to soothe your baby's soul, does nothing short of tearing your heart apart.
I know how good we've got it, having only experienced this a few times, so I'm not remotely complaining. I'm just coming to appreciate that motherhood really tests you. Tests your strength, your resolve, your patience, your marriage, your heart.
And we've only just begun...